November 14th, 2005

Subject: Me Time: 09:13 pm

Who am I? I thought I knew, but I've become such a hypocrite that I can no longer discern who I am from who I pretend to be. I'm incredibly insecure. I always want people to confide in me, to know something about a person that makes their relationship with me better than everyone else they know. Mind you, I am a good person to talk to, but it is just as much to benefit me as it is to them. That is selfish. And ironic. Yet I can't let down my pride long enough to confide completely in anyone. They tell me their secrets, and I pretend to be perfect and problem-free for both of us. I'm like a damn parasite. When people have other friends and I'm not their number one, it kills me. So I guess pretending for six months wouldn't normally be so difficult for a hypocrite like me, but pretending to be amiable toward someone I have openly despised in the past strangles the pride I so desperately protect. For the love of my mother and desire for her happiness, I'll tie the noose. Six months of struggling for breath. Suffocation. Who I am here will be different from who I am there. One day I want to have fewer masks in my closet. And of course this rant will be enacted physically through my perverse promiscuous and sinful ways. But never there. I'm posting this on fucking livejournal pretending it is for my own personal use, when really all I want is attention, secretly hoping someone will read it and take pity on me. I hate fake people, but I'm just like them.

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February 2nd, 2005

Time: 07:31 pm Current Mood: amused

I just read many of my old entries. I am laughing because I was such a happy child. Hell, still am. Yet another new layout up. Behold, the brown-yellowishness.

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December 31st, 2004

Time: 02:22 pm

I wonder what normal seventeen year olds do on New Year's. Probably go hang out with their friends and get drunk. What's the fun in that?

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December 15th, 2004

Time: 09:15 pm

Things are going alright. I'm done. :)

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October 24th, 2004

Time: 08:01 pm Current Mood: indifferent

Whoa, I am GREATLY screwed. Homework. Bah. Who's idea was it to write document based questions anyway? They lack purpose. Yeah, not going to get my work finished tonight. Sadly, I don't care as much as I should. I blame my youth.

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October 11th, 2004

Time: 05:27 pm

Haha, check out the new layout. *Sigh* I'm such a stalker.

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September 18th, 2004

Time: 09:56 am Current Mood: amused

Haha, dude, I have cool friends. Off to the ranch then.

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September 12th, 2004

Time: 03:55 pm Current Mood: complacent

You know, there are times when I wonder why I like horses so much. Then I have one of those great horse weekends where everything goes well, and I'm happy. Best ride I've had in a long time. And then I was just watching Pete graze, and everything was peachy. Ah, what a sad life I would live without horses. Of course, now I have homework to do. Bugger. But yeah. I should go riding more. And I'm getting into this habit where I watch the sun set every Saturday night. I've never realized how fast it disappears. Or, I guess if you want to be correct about it, how fast we rotate away from it. Whatever. It's cool.

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September 10th, 2004

Time: 11:51 pm Current Mood: complacent

Dude, people are scary. And I just finished cleaning up all of the glass I broke. Opened the door too hard, glass candle holder fell from shelf, hit glass of tea, and everything shattered. It sucks. Then there's always certain unnamed parties and their immature consumption of alcohol. Stupid kids.

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September 8th, 2004

Time: 07:32 pm Current Mood: exhausted

You know, I'm not sure how much more of this I can take before my head explodes.

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September 6th, 2004

Time: 09:32 pm Current Mood: depressed

I spent my entire three-day weekend doing homework. That's no way to live.

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August 30th, 2004

Time: 09:29 pm Current Mood: thoughtful

Krista, Alex, and I found a wallet on the way out to the cars after school today. It contained a sizable amount of cash. The thought of keeping it never crossed my mind, which is strange. So yeah, we turned it in at the office. That was anti-climatic. People always give you that scenario - if you found a wallet on the ground, would you keep it? Heh, happened to me. Sweet.

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August 29th, 2004

Time: 02:33 pm Current Mood: stressed

Homework. Why do I care? As long as I get into college, what difference does it make? I homework blows. I am now seriously considering dropping AP U.S. History. There is a ton of English stuff to do, and I have an art project due on Friday I've barely started. I can't even bring myself to read Scarlet Letter. I got about two pages into it, had no idea what I had just read, and threw it across the room. Maybe I would enjoy homework if there were nothing that was more fun to do. It is doubtful.

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August 27th, 2004

Time: 08:43 pm Current Mood: confused

I think there may be something wrong with my head. Memory, to be specific. Krista told me she was going somewhere tonight, and she told me where that somewhere was. It was brought up in conversation, and for the life of me, I couldn't remember what it was she was doing. I thought about it all the way home, which is probably a 30 minute drive. I finally remembered when I walked in the door. That's just an example. Things like that happen to me all the time. It kinda sucks, to tell you the truth. Probably makes people think I don't listen to them.

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August 26th, 2004

Time: 09:25 pm Current Mood: exhausted

Ah, video games are addictive. I wish I had more time for addictions. My brother is reeeeally dumb. I very much desired to end his life today. Hey! Archery Club is tomorrow. I hope. If it is remembered. And... Saturday should be cool. Heh heh... Matalai ecta. Matalai ellami'ohn.

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August 25th, 2004

Time: 07:54 pm Current Mood: chipper

Heh, I have my weird cool freakishly intelligent trekkie friends with their own language. Yay. It's great. Bloody awesome. Sweeeet. Matalai!

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August 23rd, 2004

Time: 06:15 pm Current Mood: thoughtful

Hm. I do enjoy having friends for once in my life. Pity I spent so many years without them. They make me happy. And combining friends with Starbucks - even better. Then there was the AP U.S. History quiz. I did the reading, which is a change from last year. I did NOTHING last year. Surprisingly, I made 46%. I find that odd. Just goes to show that the system is screwy. But hey, Will made a 46% too, and he knows EVERYTHING, so I'm not overly concerned. Besides, not much I can do about it now.

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August 22nd, 2004

Time: 09:21 pm Current Mood: frustrated

Homework sucks, in a very literal way. It sucks away large portions of weekend time. If time were blood, I would be dead.

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August 16th, 2004

Time: 07:54 pm Current Mood: amused

Here's to the Pina Colada. May the chosen three bask in its greatness until the full moon rises no more. Cheers, bottoms up, and all that rot.

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Time: 07:49 pm Current Mood: morose

School blows already, and I haven't even started back yet. Strange how that works. But hey, I'm doing better than I was. I'll have at least one friend this year.

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